just more of my inner thoughts

I was chatting to a friend today and something gelled inside my brain.

Everything happens for a reason. We have the ability and chance to choose for ourselves the path our lives will take. Sometimes the path takes a rocky course that traverses up high mountains and down rocky ravines. We fall into the river and the muck and we struggle to get ourselves out. We ask why would God put these trials in our path or we wonder when we will get a break and things will finally go the way we want them to.

Why did I end up with my ex? Was that supposed to happen? I think it comes to our choices. One, of course, is better than the other and I know I didn't choose correctly. I was too stubborn and I deliberately blinded myself. I KNEW I shouldn't be with him. I KNEW I should have been doing something different and I knew I wasn't doing the things that the Lord would want me to do. I chose to ignore all that and give Jon a chance because I HOPED that things would go the way they were supposed to. Because I had done this, things did go the way they were meant to.

I had something that I needed to learn from that mistake. God can't take away our agency. We suffer for the choices we make or we are blessed for the choices we make. The suffering doesn't have to be needless though as long as we learn and progress from it. Making the same mistake over and over is just stupidity. I wasted a lot of time but we all know the great things that came out of that experience. I AM a better person than I was and I have wonderful children. I am lucky to always have my ex in my life as an example of how things were and could be again if I decide to be stupid and make stupid choices again.

Our trials bring us closer to God. It's sad that those things are what push us in the right direction. I'm grateful for the examples of those that have chosen the right path. I can see the difference that God has made in their lives. I can see the good gifts of the spirit that I want in my life. I see a lot more clearly the path that I need to stay on because I am intimately familiar with the pitfalls. That is one blessing that has come at great expense.

Everything happens for a reason. If we are totally honest with ourselves and have a good moral foundation to rely upon, we don't need to fear. If we have God in our corner to rely upon, we can look towards choices with gladness. We can embrace change and we can continually progress towards the ultimate goal of Eternal life and happiness with Heavenly Father, Jesus, and our families at our side.

I have to give a talk next week in Relief Society. She asked me to spend 5 to 10 minutes talking about the person or experience that has pointed me towards Jesus. All the great examples of righteousness, combined with the experience of not doing the things that the Lord wanted me to do, was a sufficient catalyst for me to choose to go towards Jesus and learning about him and striving to become like him. When I am being Christ-like, I love myself. You can't help loving Jesus because he is our savior and he was perfect. He is a worthy example to emulate and that increases our own worth in our eyes. He loves us no matter what we are or what we choose. Our choices will give him degrees of happiness or sadness though. The more love there is for a person, the more powerful the happy and sad times. God loves us infinitely and Eternally. I want to cause him great joy because he has done all he can for me.

4:45am continued

I started writing more because the stuff I had written previously wasn't enough to get me to go to sleep.

People always search for their "other half"

The one that will know them better than any other.

I'm a twin. We grew up.

My "other half" that was always there, is now missing most days. We have seperate lives and we've made different choices.

When I was a kid, I always dreamed of living next door to my sisters. We would have babies together, go on walks together, complain/praise about our spouses together. Jen was always included. I felt like I bridged a gap between my two sisters. At times I would feel closer to Jen, other times I would feel closer to Amy. I always had someone though.

As I got older, my relationship with my brother grew. He was someone to rely on and be there for me since the person I picked, to live the remainder of my life with, wasn't living up to his end of the bargain. Every once in a while he would do something thoughtful for me. One Easter he brought me an entire bag of only purple M&Ms. He saw them and thought of me. Another time he saw some pretty purplish-silver pillowcases, and gave them to me. He saw them and thought of me. Recently I had to fix a broken heart. I wanted to be upbeat so I set my status on facebook that I needed happy socks. I have a drawer full of them. I proceeded to put some on and wear them all day. I didn't think about them as much as I should have. I didn't smile often that day. Near the end of my shift, my brother showed up with a bag. He gave them to me, a little embarrassed and apologetic. He had picked out 3 pairs of "happy" socks. He was nervous whether or not I would like them. He had gone to the store specifically to look for socks that would brighten my day. It was so sweet that I was in his thoughts that much.

My mother has always been a constant in my life. She did everything she could to make sure her children were happy. She lived for us. As soon as she had children, her choices then were made BECAUSE of us. Her life wasn't happy. She grew up in an abusive home. When she met dad, she thought he was the one. He was so much better than any previous experiences she had had. We choose our life partners based on a whole lot of things. She didn't have the same opportunities to view love and happiness so she didn't have a good past to compare someone to. Her future seemed so much brighter that she was blinded and didn't realize there may be other and better possibilities. For quite a long time she was as happy as she knew how to be. She found joy and accomplishment in taking care of and raising her children. As we got older, she had to shift her focus off of us. This was extremely hard for her because so much of her happiness in life was tied up in us. She was at a loss. She didn't have too many hobbies to shift focus to. She discovered that she didn't want to keep living with the person she had put up with for so long. She finally chose something for herself, to find her own happiness. That road she went down and is continuing to go down, has been a struggle. People don't understand. People judge. Choices in the present, tainted memories of the past. Things she had worked so hard for all her life would disappear. People let her down over and over again. The kids that she had done so much for, were selfish and unappreciative. They struggled not to judge her. Sometimes they succeeded, sometimes they didn't. I can't even imagine the pain that would have caused her. She sees her children make mistakes and it hurts her that she can't prevent it. It hurts her when we hurt. She wants to fix it all for us but she can't. She struggles with that. The only thing she is guilty of in that instance, is that she loves us so much. How can we be upset with that? We don't like to hear what she has to say. We think we know better. We hope that our story will only be happy and that it won't end up like hers did. We don't realize all that she has gone through so we doubt her judgement. At this point in her life, she has seen and experienced ugliness, pain, beauty, joy, love, hate, blind judgement, acceptance etc. She is more equipped with wisdom than we are. Just because she didn't always make the right choices, doesn't mean that she hasn't learned from them. She could impart some of that wisdom, if we would listen. We aren't humble enough to hear her though. I think that because of her, I'm always trying to become more than what I am. I'm trying to improve myself and get closer to my potential. She believes I am capable of so much, why should I be hurt when she is disappointed in me? I should be so happy that she thinks that I can do better. She believes in me and she thinks I am better than I am. So I try to be better than I am always. Sometimes life overwhelms me. When that happens, she holds me and lets me cry on her shoulder. She tells me that she knows what I'm going through. My feelings aren't unique. I'm sure she's felt them before too. She isn't perfect but I love her just the same. She has always loved me unconditionally, I haven't always returned that favor but I try. I forgive her when she's selfish and moody and cranky, and short with me. People are selfish because the hurt they are feeling overwhelms anything from the outside. They don't always have the ability to see past the hurt. She has always laid everything aside when I need her. She almost becomes a different person. She has a purpose and that purpose is to fix whatever it is that is wrong with her child. If she can't fix it, then she can be there for them. She's not always a silent partner in that relationship though. She's blunt. She can be hurtful. She never intends to cause pain with her words, thoughts, or actions. She always always just wants to help but she doesn't always know how. Because of her motivations, I find it easy to forgive her over and over again. It's easy to forgive someone if we can understand why they do the things they do. If we can figure out their motivation. This light goes on in our heads and we think, OH That's why they did that. Ok. I can live with that.

My family would step in and fill in the gap whenever they could. It wasn't always possible though and I wasn't often happy. They helped me to go on. If you aren't moving forward, you are moving backward. You can't stay in one place no matter how much you may wish it. They prodded me forward. They inspired me to always strive to be a better person.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept

the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to his Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6

God grant me the serenity to accept

the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

What do we have the power to change? Ourselves. That's about it. We can influence our surroundings and the people in our lives but only to a small degree. Wisdom is realizing that we can't control what other people choose. We can only change ourselves and hope to be an example that others may pattern their own lives after. Hopefully the choices we make, will make us examples of goodness. How do we make sure of that? Who should we pattern our own lives after? We have an example of perfection that we can try and aspire to. Jesus lived and we have records indicating the type of man he was. We have a cheat sheet! What would Jesus do? That isn't just a trendy phrase. We should make all our choices that way. We need to use Him as a pattern and hope we don't go too far off the lines.

We can't force anyone else to do what we think they should do. We should stop being frustrated when someone continually makes choices contrary to what we think they should make. Wouldn't it be easier if we could force people to do the things we think they should do? I think that person will be happy if they do this [insert proper choice] Should we have a magic wand and BLING they suddenly are doing it? I think that was Satan's plan in the pre-existance. That one got rejected in favor of free agency. Remember? No, I don't remember either. We are taught that way though. I have faith that I didn't choose poorly then or I wouldn't be here now. Peace will come if you let others live their own lives. Just accept them for who they are. Love them unconditionally. That doesn't mean you have to like the choices they make. That means you love them anyway. Concentrating on all the good things in a person makes it easy to love them that way. No one is perfect, if you keep looking for bad things in other people, you'll find it. Do you want to surround yourself with that kind of ugliness though?

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Everyone has trials. Everyone has hardships. It's a fact of life. How we weather those trials though shows the type of person we are. Without the pain in life, we don't fully appreciate Joy. Patience, longsuffering, humbleness...those are all qualities that will bring us happiness. We can slog through life's trials or we can sing through life's trials and then hopefully use those experiences for good.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding

We are constantly deceived. We can be tricked into believing something is good when in fact it isn't. That happens because we only see part of what is going on. We don't see the whole picture. God sees the whole picture! We may not always understand what He has in store for us but if we live life by the teachings and examples of Christ, we can't go wrong. Luke 6:43 For a good tree bringeth not forth corrupt fruit; neither doth a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. Just LOOK at the results and use that the judge whether something is good or not. If it is evil or wrong, it won't bring forth good fruit. Satan is good at tempting us with that fruit. It's so temporary though. The pleasure is fleeting when we go after those things. I need to continually strive to be humble and trust that the Lord's way is the right way. I don't need to justify myself or think of reasons to give in to sin. I don't have any reasons good enough to justify sin.

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to his Will;

He will lighten your load. If you trust him, the worries are gone and peace is within reach..

4:45am

UGH! Why did I wake up that early?

When I fell asleep, I was sad. I talked to my twin sister yesterday evening and she tried to cheer me up. It helped to vent to her but I was so mired in what I was experiencing and feeling that it didn't really help at the time. I was being selfish.

I had a dream about her. I don't remember exactly what happened in the dream but it ended with her and I in a recording studio. We were making up a song on the spot and getting it recorded. It was rough and frankly it wasn't that great but it made me cry. I woke up and I my thoughts were racing. I was wide awake and I couldn't fall back to sleep. So I ran upstairs and got a notebook and wrote the stupid song down. I don't know how to write a song! I'm not creative like that. I ended up with 2 melody lines that are basically the same but opposite as well. It's like a mirror. In a lot of ways Amy is a mirror of myself. I had some sappy lines as well. They sort of conveyed how I was feeling but the structure got in the way. Then I thought about just changing that into a poem. Every once in a while I get hit with inspiration and I want to write something thought provoking but vague enough that anyone can read it and relate. That didn't work for me either. I have disjointed starts and stops and phrases and meanings, and some rhyming words and I just couldn't find a pattern I was happy with.

Then I decided that I just need to just write my thoughts and feelings. I opened up word pad. I wanted to write something to her to tell her how I felt. I think it all started because of something she said to me last night. She was trying to tell me how much she needs me in her life. She said she didn't know what she would do without me. I know that she would go on. She doesn't rely on me for anything that is life and death. She's an adult, she can provide any of that for herself. I don't need her for that stuff either. She is one of the reasons that make my life worth living though. She is someone I always look forward to talking to and sharing everything with. I know she loves me even when I'm not that fun to be around. When I'm in a rotten mood or when I'm feeling hopeless, she isn't dragged down by me. She tries to lift me back up. She admitted that one of the reasons she loves me is because I can crack a joke even when my heart is breaking. I'm glad that I can provide some amusement to those people in my life that have to deal with my meltdowns. That isn't sarcastic or anything. It is a source of hope for me. I know I must be really bad if I can't see humor in a situation. If I can't even laugh about anything, then I'm on a brink and I'm in danger of falling. I'm blessed to have uplifting people in my life. Of course I feel like a burden at times. When that happens I try to see it from their point of view. Do they resent me? Most likely they don't. They probably think I'm silly at times but I'd like to think that when I have to lean on them, it makes their own burdens seem lighter. How would that be possible? Well they can think, hmm I'm SO glad I don't have to deal with that. It makes my own problems seem trivial. People say, it could always be worse. Sometimes I'm one of the examples of when it could be worse. Sometimes I'm not. They are my examples of "it could always be better" and it gives me something to work towards. It gives me hope that all isn't lost. Because of their love and examples, giving up isn't an option to me. Sometimes I like to wallow a bit in the sadness. Purge myself with crying and then suffer with a stuffy nose and burning eyes for hours after. After I do that, I can move on and concentrate on bigger and better things.

I get feeling down because I feel like I do everything alone. I live my life basically alone at the moment. I don't have anyone to shop with or hang out with in real life. That sucks sometimes but then I realize that I have a phone and I do have people in my life that will answer, no matter what time it is that I call. They may not be available to chat with me while I shop but I am comforted by the fact that if I really need them, there are a handful of people that will be there for me. Sometimes I wish that I didn't have to call on that so often. Hopefully someday I won't have to and I'll be able to find the peace I'm looking for. I also hope that I can get into the habit of praying more often. That is a constant source of love and support that I don't take advantage of as often as I should. I get bogged down and I forget. Which is what the adversary is hoping, right? My family and friends help lift me up high enough that I can stretch out my arms and reach higher, maybe high enough to take the Hand that is always offered.

Thank you.

Love

John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him, shall not perish, but have everlasting life.

I really can't think of a better example of love right there.

How can we ever be worthy of such a gift and sacrifice?

For a long time I felt unworthy of that gift. I felt unworthy to even talk with God or ask for help for things. I let myself become estranged from the one thing that would help me feel worthy. It was a loop that I couldn't escape. I went around and around. I felt hopeless and because of that, I never attempted to get out of the circular thinking.

Mosiah 4:7 I say, that this is the man who receiveth salvation, through the atonement which was prepared from the foundation of the world for all mankind, which ever were since the fall of Adam, or who are, or who ever shall be, even unto the end of the world.

I don't see any exceptions there. It is available for everyone! Even one such as I!

I know I'm not perfect and that sin is inevitable. Why can't I pay for it myself? Why can't I do the suffering? Why do I need the atonement?

I was reading a book, Believing Christ, that was recommended to me by a very good friend. There is a passage in it that says this:

A covenant is a contract, an agreement with terms and obligations binding upon both parties. In modern times we validate a contract and make it binding and legal by having both parties sign it. In ancient times covenants were validated and made binding by shedding the blood of a sacrificial animal. Hence, the Hebrew idiom for making a covenant is "to cut a covenant." The blood of the sacrificial victim was called "the blood of the covenant," and when it was shed, the terms of the contract were considered to be in force and binding upon both contracting parties.

Jesus is the sacrificial victim for the atonement. That's why he is referred to as the Lamb of God. By the shedding of this innocent blood, it makes the contract or covenant valid and binding. It seems a bit barbaric but that was how covenants were made back then. Christ had to be perfect because it called for a sacrifice. He never had to suffer those things because he never committed the sins in the first place. He had the ability to choose the suffering. We suffer because of the consequences of the inevitable sins we commit. We don't have the ability to choose to suffer or not.

People suffer for sins every day. Is that suffering enough to atone for the mistake? The Mosaic law was introduced to help people atone for their sins. It was a just way to pay for those sins because the world didn't have the atonement yet. An eye for an eye etc. If you cause someone to lose an eye and you lose yours in return, isn't that a sufficient punishment to satisfy the conditions of the sin? I believe we have two sets of consequences for sins we commit. There are earthly consequences and heavenly consequences. We experience the earthly consequences when we break the law. We have to pay fines or go to jail. The atonement is our heavenly get out of jail card but it isn't for free. As imperfect humans, we do ALL we can to atone for the sin we have committed. Let's say you did poke someone's eye out and you lose your eye in return. What about the loss of sight that you can never restore? You can't fully atone for what you did because you can't make that eye grow back. We can't cross that gap ourselves, that is where the atonement comes in. God requires of us to do all we can, then he will take care of the rest. He knows we can't do it all ourselves and he knows that we will never be perfect except through the atonement. If I feel unworthy of that gift, then I'm calling God a liar. Seems harsh doesn't it? He created us all in his image. We have God potential in all of us. If he created us to be that amazing and awesome, then we are. Simple! You are worthy of forgiveness and don't you forget it.

This stuff I've just spouted. It's what I believe in. I have faith that God will help me cross that gap. I trust that he will forgive me once I've done my part. I feel worthy of that forgiveness because He thinks I'm worthy.

That is love. He loves us unconditionally. Even in sin he loves us. He wants to keep his promises to us but we have to do our part.

Faith

Alma 32:21

And now as I said concerning faith—faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true.

With hope, faith is possible!

Faith is the first principle of the gospel.

Mark 9:23

Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.

What a great promise! We just have to humble ourselves and trust in the Lord. It says ALL things are possible. If you don't think it's possible, then you are disrespecting God.

You can't have faith without hope. They go hand in hand.

I have faith that the atonement is for everyone. Nobody, except Jesus Christ, is exempt. We aren't perfect. I have faith that if I live righteously, then God will bless me and everything will work out according to plan. I have faith that if his plan doesn't match mine, his will be better. Always. I want to benefit from the blessings of righteous living. I want to be an example to my children. With God, all things are possible. My weaknesses will be made strong, my children will benefit from my example, if I teach my kids good things, then they can pass that on and affect many future generations. I have faith that God hears my prayers. He knows what is best, I will trust him and he will help lighten my load. I've already experienced that. It's up to me to thank Him and to be worthy of his abundant unselfish-ness.

Hope

Hopelessness

This is a feeling that we have all experienced at one time or another. I have felt it on and off through out my life. I had periods of it this last week. Tonight I was thinking about it and I wondered why it came and went. Why did I feel so hopeful one day and then the next day I felt such a crushing weight upon me, one that I couldn't remove?

Satan wants to end hope. He wants us to feel hopeless because then we won't try. We won't work towards being better people. If we don't have hope that there is better out there for us or that we can become better, then why even try? We would just live life day to day and react to what is thrown at us. I don't want to live like that. I want to shape the world around me. I want to be a force of good and light! I want to have the control in my life to act instead of just react to everything. This is extremely hard for me. It's easier to procrastinate at the time but then it's harder to fix things because we are always reacting to one chain of events or another. If we are always doing the things needed to be a better person, then as a side effect, it takes care of certain things in our life.

Everything is SO mental. If we believe we can, then we do. If we think we are worthy and worth it, then we don't settle for mediocrity. If we think that life is too hard and that God expects too much out of us, then we are looking at things the wrong way. Shouldn't you be flattered that someone out there thinks that you CAN do it? God knows we have the potential, that's why He expects so much. If He thinks we are that awesome, then why can't we think that way about ourselves too? Do we think we know better than God?

There is a fine line between being humble and feeling inferiority. Satan is going to do everything in his power to push us towards that negativeness.

I am starting to remind myself that if I feel hopeless, inferior, and unworthy, then that isn't me thinking. That is never how God would want his creations to feel. Those feelings aren't of God so that means they are from Satan. Banish that thought process right now.

I've made too many mistakes in my life that are the result of those ungodly mindsets. I have settled, I haven't ever thought that I am deserving of happiness. Well that's just silly. If I think everyone deserves that, why don't I? Sure I've made mistakes, some worse than others. Everyone makes mistakes, it's part of the learning process. They aren't valuable if you don't actually learn from them, move on, and change.

Living alone!

So I've been jealous of my brother lately because he lives alone. I asked him what the best thing is about living alone and he said this...Being able to shower with the bathroom door open so that the mirror doesn't fog up.

I teased him about that being the BEST thing and the first thing he thought of. It must really be awesome. I was thinking of other benefits to the bachelor lifestyle. This is what I came up with.

Being able to eat cake mix and not feel guilty about never getting around to baking the cake.

You always get the prize in the cereal box.

Being able to leave the toilet seat in whatever position you want to.

Drinking milk out of the carton

Being able to take your time in the bathroom without kids banging on the door demanding your immediate attention.

Wearing clothes that aren't stained by children's bodily functions or dinner.

Sleeping when you want, where you want, how you want, clothing optional.

No remote control sharing.

No zit juice splattered on the mirror from someone else!

I think that really all I am jealous of is his privacy. After having kids, that is something you give up. I think that the benefits are worth the sacrifice though. Unconditional love is rare and should always be treasured.

just a little something

Ether 12:27

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness, I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

I think I'll be needing this scripture in my life for the foreseeable future. I have so many weaknesses that I need Godly help with! This verse is so my fav at the moment.

I have really enjoyed reading the scriptures and finding verses that help me. I think all the scriptures will be helpful because I need a lot of help. This particular scripture has given me a lot of hope. I have been doing a lot of self-discovery and I am always trying to fix the faults and weaknesses I have. That's easier said than done. Some of my faults make it hard to be productive in that particular endeavor.

Anyhow, onward and upward!

Older and wiser?

I can't help but notice that as I'm reading the scriptures, they seem a heck of a lot easier to understand. I'm having fun reading them and finding things in them that pertain to my life and to those close to me. I've even made one joke with a scripture so far! Geeze, that's crazy talk right there.

Perhaps because I have been away from the teachings for so long, everything seems a little more new. I just read about Abinidi and I KNEW how the story ended from being taught it long ago but it was still so interesting to me. I was on the edge of my seat almost! Have you ever seen someone watch a movie and then get so disappointed at the end because a certain character died? After that, you find out that they've SEEN the movie before. I always think to myself, why did you think this time you were watching it would be different? It's funny! Anyway, that's how I felt when I was reading about Abinidi lol. I'm a dork, I know. I know these stories, I've been taught them for most of my life. Still, it's been long enough that now when I read them, I don't think of them as some story any more. I think of them as things that have happened to real people. I wonder how I would have felt if I had been going through the same things. I wonder what their lives were like. It just seems a lot more real to me.

My scripture of the day

Mosiah 24:15

And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen themthat they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.

My goal is to submit cheerfully and have faith in the Lord that he has a plan for me. The hard times won't always be hard.

Churchy update

So I went to church again! It's a trend after 2 times in a row right? I really enjoyed going and some of it probably had to do with the excellent company. I LOVE going to church with my boyfriend. It was a wonderful experience even if all the talks were aimed right at us haha. Sacrament meeting they talked about becoming like Christ and prayer. I definitely need a lot of help with the prayer thing. I justify not praying way too often and I have for years. Some of the time I felt like a hypocrite. I didn't want to seem like I was only praying when I needed help so I didn't even do that. My scripture reading just happened to coincide with this topic as well. Satan doesn't want us to pray. If we don't have a relationship with God then it's easier for him to sink his hooks into us. I currently need all the help I can get. I can't let Satan have any advantage.

The next meeting was about Eternal Marriage. I was teasing my bf about that but I took notes for us haha. I have to admit that all that stuff seems really strange to me. I'm uneasy about it and it seems very cult-like and ritualistic. I'm sure it will all work out, I'll just have faith.

The whole weekend was really awesome and I was sad when it ended. It's hard when you don't know when you'll be able to do something like that again. I think it's easier to go to church and follow the standards when you have people around you to support you. It helps if they are living the same and having the same struggles. It gives you someone to lean on and in turn they can lean on you.

I've come across a lot of interesting things in my scripture reading. I keep telling myself I need to read with a marking pencil so I can go back to them later but I know I'll be distracted if I do that. I'll want to write about ALL of them and it will take me forever to get through the Book of Mormon. Next time around, I'll do that. I'll only write about the things that impress me the most. I thought it was very interesting that my scripture study was about prayer the same day that they talked about it in church. I think if God has to tell me to pray again he will be doing it with a swift kick to the butt so I better listen now!

A new chapter of my life

So I'm starting a different chapter of my life. One that will involve God more fully in everything I do. I am so used to doing things alone that this will probably be a difficult journey. I need to write the experiences I have down because it will goad me to continue and to analyze the things that I read in the scriptures. I feel that this will help me and my perspective.

My reasons for this new direction are a little personal but I have a lot of good examples in my life. There was one in particular who was the catalyst for this decision. I didn't want to lose out on anything good because I wasn't fully living the way I knew that I probably should be. I didn't turn to God out of despair or desperation. I've always felt that was a little hypocritical and I would be afraid that after everything was fixed, I would be done and that I wouldn't be devoted to Him anymore. I don't want to be the type of person that only cares about my own pain and suffering and never about what anyone else is going through or experiencing. I'm not saying that it's a bad way to go. I feel that anything that turns a person to a path of goodness, is worthwhile.

I'm starting in 2 Nephi in the book of Mormon. Honestly, it's been 11 years since I've been to church regularly. I never took the time to actually read the scriptures except because I had to. I still remember that every time I would try and read them, I would quit in the middle of Alma. 1st Nephi is so familiar to me that I wanted to skip that one and move to things that I didn't learn about a million times when I was younger. I will go back and read it but I felt that I shouldn't start there. I really do want to know if this stuff is for real. I'm going to be giving it a honest chance and I'm willing to work for it.

This weekend has been rough on me. I had committed in my heart to go back to church on Sunday. I told a few people about my plans. Once I've said them out loud, there is more accountability to follow through on them. Anyway, I have experienced a lot of emotions in the last little while. I'm scared and pessimistic that I can do this. I told someone that it was just Satan and that's why I had issues. It's true though. I have so many excuses but when I started listing them, they seemed so shallow. I did make it all the way through Sacrament meeting this week but my emotions were in turmoil for a few different reasons. I couldn't stay longer than that because I couldn't talk to anyone. I didn't want to converse with any strangers. I didn't want to do any type of superficial interaction. I will do the best I can but sometimes it can all be a little too much and a little too invasive.

I was crying this evening and decided that I needed to read some scriptures. I wanted to be more immersed in the things of the church. It didn't hurt to try it and see if it helped me feel better. There was a young woman who had recently returned from her mission in Canada. She was just so full of life and energy and idealistic plans. Her trust in God seemed so young and naive. I was jealous to see that she had her hope and faith. She talked about how awesome she thought that the scriptures were. I always thought they were confusing and boring. She mentioned that just reading some of the scriptures every day seem to bring her happiness and she's able to deal with things easier. I thought I would give it a try since I wasn't happy.

Anyway, I mentioned how I felt to my best friend. He was being silly and said something about a broken heart and contrite spirit. When I opened my scriptures to my book mark, I saw this verse: 2 Nephi 2:07
Behold he offereth himself a sacrifice for sin, to answer the ends of the law, unto all those who have a broken heart and contrite spirit; and unto none else contrite to answer

I thought it was cool that my friend had used some of that verse earlier that day. He was trying to be funny.

I barely read a chapter but it was the one that had the verse, Adam fell that men might be and men are that they might have joy. Lehi was telling one of his sons this and he explained that if Adam and Eve hadn't partaken of the forbidden fruit they would have never known good and evil. They would have stayed in the garden and never known the joys and pains of life. They would never have been happy because they didn't know what it that was. Everything would have stayed that way forever and they wouldn't have had children. We would have never come along.

I've always believed that the pain and heartbreak of life is worth it because then you appreciate the joy better. That chapter just reinforced that belief in me during a point where I wasn't happy. It made things a lot easier to deal with and it helped me go to sleep. I think I needed the reminder.

When I went to church today, one of the talks mentioned another person's talk. I don't know his name or anything but they called him the gardener I think. There was a part that they were talking about a currant bush. It was a nice story that stressed the point that God has plans for us. Sometimes he will cut us down and cause pain so that we can reach the potential he has in store for us. I am a very stubborn person and I don't like to think that my fate has been decided or anything like that. I'm resistant and want to make my own choices. Sadly, my choices haven't always been the ones that would have been the best for me. I never made my choices with evil intent or anything but they were wrong. I've known some good times but my life and marriage didn't end up how I wanted them too. Regardless of the choices I make, I can't control everything and I can't make people choose the path I would have them choose. It's frustrating to have to give up on something. I think that if I had listened to my heart better and allowed the spirit in to guide me then maybe things would have turned out differently. Maybe not though because in a relationship, there are 2 sides and ultimately I am only responsible for my own actions and choices. I tried to make the best of things but I can honestly say that other than getting into that situation in the first place, the results weren't all my fault. I tried. This next time around, I'm trying harder but I can't be totally responsible if things don't work out.

Everything happens for a reason, just believe. I feel a little more peace when I think of that. I have a hard time trusting things like that but I try to remember to just believe that things will turn around. Some days it is hard especially if I'm feeling pessimistic and of low worth. Hopefully I will someday be able to appreciate the joy better because of the things I'm dealing with right now.

HI!

This is just something I was thinking about the last little while. I thought it deserved a blog entry.

You were in a relationship and then you were dumped. Time to rebound.

The words rebound and relationship, when used together, have negative connotations. I picture a quick one-night stand with casual and maybe aggressively angry sex. Wikipedia, a very reputable, haha, source of information, says the following.

“Someone who is "on the rebound," or recently out of a serious dating relationship, is popularly believed to be psychologically incapable of making reasonable decisions regarding suitable partners due to emotional neediness, lingering feelings towards the old partner, or unresolved problems from the previous relationship. Rebound relationships are believed to be short-lived due to one partner's emotional instability and desire to distract themselves from a painful break up, and those emerging from serious relationships are often advised to avoid serious dating until their tumultuous emotions have calmed.”

Admittedly, there is some wisdom in the previous statement. Especially if you were totally in love with the person that dumped you. Just like a ball that is dropped, when you rebound, it is impossible to attain the height you were dropped from. The feelings you are having from being dumped prevent you from getting back up there, just like friction prevents the ball from getting back up to that height. It’s an emotional rollercoaster. Which is also incapable of reaching it’s original height without any form of propulsion. There are many different reasons why people get caught up in rebound relationships. They aren’t all going to be one-night stands or casual sexual encounters. People like feeling loved and connecting with one another. It’s hard feeling the rejection and feeling unwanted. Getting back into the game early on helps ease those unwanted and rejected feelings.

What if you are the one dumping somebody. Is it fair to say that your next relationship is going to be a rebound? Maybe it is and maybe it isn’t. If I was going to break up with someone, I would hope that the next person I was with, was at a higher level than the previous person. I’m not saying the next person would be better. I’m saying the next person would be better suited to me. The difference being that some people click and some don’t. I would need some extra momentum to get myself past the previous height. All further relationships should propell you higher until you get what it is you’ve always wanted or deserve. Check your bait, do you have what it takes to attract better? Do you feel that you deserve better?

What if you are hoping for this ideal person? You have a list of characteristics you want that person to have. Doesn’t that person deserve the same from you as what you are expecting from them? Let’s be totally honest with ourselves. What flaws do you think you have? Can you work on them? Are they impossible habits to break? Are they inate flaws due to genetics or are they learned behaviours that could be improved upon? Do you want to become a better person badly enough?

I think those questions are a good start to self-improvement. They can help you past the temptation of self-distructing rebounds. They may feel good at the time but they are more trouble than they are worth. Feelings eventually get hurt because we don’t live in a perfect world. Ask yourself this, are you rebounding to ease the loneliness, hurt, and painful suffering? Or are you going into a new relationship intending to try harder and be a better person. If you love somebody worthy, wouldn’t you want to continually strive to be a better person for them and for yourself?

My hope is that the other person will always be worth the effort.

Ah the elusiveness of Love

I'm sure you've heard many times before that Love finds you when you aren't looking. I thought that was rubbish! How can it have a chance to find you if you aren't open to the idea or looking for it?

I had decided I didn't need to concentrate on finding anyone. I would date when the opportunity came but I wouldn't look any longer. I was just content at where my life was at the moment. I had finally forgiven the father of my children. I heard EVERYTHING from him that I always wanted to hear. All I really wanted was an "I'm sorry." I wanted a heartfelt one. I wanted him to realize how I felt and realize that he was wrong. Once those conditions were met, I let go all the anger and hurt. It was like a big sigh of relief, literally. I was on the phone with him and I breathed deeply and just smiled. Something shifted inside of me. The world was once again a wonderful place to live in and I didn't hate anymore. I had my family, kids, and friends. I really didn't need more than that any longer. I wasn't NOT looking anymore but I was just going to live my life the way it was going and be happy.

I started deleting online profiles. I was tired of the types of people that would show interest. There wasn't a lot of genuine people out there. I will admit that I met a few but most of them were shallow and idiotic. I do have a lot of funny stories to tell though! Remind me to tell you about the former goth guy that liked pink and pain. I also have new theories on Penis Size and the direct correlation between that and sexual skill... uh I think we need to change the subject. Anyway, I deleted my online profiles! I decluttered my online life. Made new friends, got rid of some old ones, that kind of thing. I did most of my socializing online because my real life doesn't leave me much leeway to go out and meet people. I couldn't really think of an alternative besides going back to church and attending single's wards. No thank you. For instance, they wouldn't appreciate my theories on Penis size. Among other things. I'm not saying I'm a bad person. I don't lie, cheat, steal, drunkenly sleep with half the members of the college football team, or anything else too racey or dangerous.

I met someone. I wasn't out looking. I didn't meet them on the internet. Basically fate stepped in and I was just being myself. I felt he needed a friend and I started talking to him. WHAM!! No longer am I worried about the various types of love and not being able to tell if it's the correct one or not. I always wondered about it because I never felt IT! The BIG I T. IT! Anyway, enough sap. All is great and I now have a permanent cheesy grin to go with my ensemble. I guess I'm finally fully dressed... Not that I ever had problems smiling before. This one is just different.

Peace out.

You know you are sexually frustrated if...

If you find yourself typing the following phrases to your regular chat buddies. (You also know you are funny as well)

so I found my mom's stash of triple A batteries

time to google kinky sex ideas!

I think we can stretch it to 4...mins though
those dots are a strategic pause making you think of inches instead of mins
thought I would explain them in case they didn't work

any where else will involve heavy negotiations or alcohol.
well I'm not a genetically mutated freak so I can't think of any other place that is warm and moist since I use deodorant.
if you would like to enlighten me on where your mind is taking you though, feel free.

And you have 2! That doubles the pleasure! (sadly I was talking about knee caps)

Love your vagina so you can show others how

Viagra- You'll never be too old to appreciate it.

"Don't worry, it's a friendly snake." (quote from a little einstein's show that was taken horribly wrong)

4 hours seems so long doesn't it?

hmm that could be sexy if it was done in the right spot.

so I think it would be great to combine both in one interesting flying grease filled blog full of nakedness and love complications.

Yes!

this not being shy thing is FUN! I haven't tried it out before in real life.

I do have sexy toes! They are turning me on!


and I'm trying to guess this guy's flavor of Asian (seriously taken out of context)

I found out what a manscape was yesterday too
it's the process of landscaping your manliness

was pottying but I love you too and that dream is awful! I hope your dreams tonight are peaceful and wet.

is it rude to tell people this when they get a significant other? "Congratulations on your newest acquisition!" (ok that wasn't dirty, just funny)

that's cause he is secretly gay
and also he's not so secretly gay

I'm going to get *name deleted to protect the innocent...ok not so innocent* all worked up about hermaphrodites

yeah I'm so scary, I'm a raging ball of wild fur

ok I'm back
you get front
that may lead to kinky things

it. was. great.

the fact that you compare it to good sex means you haven't had good sex yet, you just think you have.

*Disclaimer* Most of these are taken out of context and my chatting really isn't as sexy as it first appears. It's kind of like looking in your rear-view mirror...

"It's not my fault that most of the things you say can be taken as a sexual innuendo"

"Nice Guys"

We've all heard the phrase "you are just TOO nice". I'm sure there are many men out there that have been dumped by that excuse. The guy probably thinks, "What the hell? Do I have to beat her or push her around a little to get her interested in me? What am I doing wrong? I do everything I can to make her happy!"

Let's analyze this part right here, "I do everything I can to make her happy!"

Doesn't this sound like the perfect guy? Who wouldn't want a life partner that acted like that? I think everyone at first thinks that is great. Can you imagine if that really happened 24/7 though? Where is the conflict or compromise that makes for an interesting give and take relationship? What about YOUR happiness? People that have issues with self-esteem are going to always put their own happiness second. That sounds wonderful and selfless and perfect but you will lose your sense of self. How can you be true to yourself and truly be who you are and were meant to be if you are constantly going through life doing everything to please everyone else? Eventually you are going to get to a point that you become a martyr. You'll be bitter because your partner doesn't go to the same extremes to make YOU happy. When will it be your turn to be shown the same sacrifice? This will poison every relationship you are in if you treat it like that. There needs to be compromise, it shows love on both sides and self worth. You DO deserve to be happy. Do what needs to be done to assure that but at the same time don't let it take you over. There is a happy medium to be found. That's why all those relationship books mention that compromise is so important.

So yeah, I think in this kind of situation you can be too nice. I want excitement and give and take. I want a chance to show that I love and a chance to be loved.

Animalistic Kissing ;)

Wonderful kissing facts!

French kissing involves all 34 muscles in the face. A pucker kiss involves only two.

Passionate kissing burns 6.4 calories a minute. A Hershey’s kiss contains 26 calories, which takes five minutes of walking–or about four minutes of kissing–to burn off.

Kissing is good for teeth. The anticipation of a kiss increases the flow of saliva to the mouth, giving the teeth a plaque-dispersing bath.

Lovers swap saliva containing various substances e.g. fats, mineral salts, proteins while kissing. According to latest studies, the exchange of the above substances can give a boost to the production of antibodies which are made specifically to deal with the antigens associated with different diseases as they are encountered.

Kissing can help women relax and ease the effects of stress.

So after reading up on kissing and finding out these interesting facts, I decided that we should all do more of it! Heck, a passionate kiss seems to burn more calories than walking! It’s WAY more fun than walking as well.

I found another fun place that explained bad kissing! I feel like I should make printouts and hand them to prospective kissable guys!

Iguana: Characterized by cool, dry lips, and a tiny pink tongue, Lizard Lips is about as arousing as, well, a small reptile crawling around your mouth. One victim noted, “He’d dart his tongue in and out at a million flicks per second. Kissing is supposed to get you hot, not give you calluses.”

The Excitable Puppy: I don’t know who is telling these boys that there’s nothing hotter than a mid-makeout tongue bath, but I heard from a lot of sopping sisters. “He licked from forehead to nose to chin and back again,” is how one woman described her first kiss. “Like the way my 80-pound Labrador licks my face. Even though it was my first make-out session, I knew my companion was cursed with bad skills.”

The Rattlesnake: You know the scenario. . . he’s cute, you’re tipsy and so you lean in lay one on him and, BAM! His tongue is halfway down your throat, pulsing like a piston. “The tongue should flick lightly—not thrust like a video on BET,” instructs Victoria, a filmmaker who knows her way around a liplock.

The Tasmanian Devil: I was on the fence about one guy I was dating until we had our first make-out. His kiss was like being set upon by a team of angry ferrets. A sensuous bite on the neck can be hot, but a series of sharp nips to the jaw line, decidedly less so.

The Venus Flytrap: “It was like his neck was on a hinge,” Sarah relays over cocktails. “This gave him the ability to open his mouth about six inches.” I dated one of these too—his mouth would open so wide that he’d cover my mouth and nose, making it impossible to breath. And yes, while I realize the Venus Flytrap is not technically an animal, it eats bugs and that’s good enough for me.

The Skunk: The breath of death was listed as a kiss-killer by most people surveyed. “In my mind I said let me give you the number of my gastroenterologist, or at least a mint!” David shared via email. In reality he said nothing to the offender—he simply never called her again. “I’m a very polite person,” he explained.

The Possum: As you should know, there is more to kissing than just shoving your tongue in and letting it lay there. “The unfurling of the tongue, and then not moving it . . . ” Sarah shudders, too horrified to go on. “Too much tongue is the number one component of a bad kiss,” she continues. “When it fills your mouth and you feel like some cheap bologna sandwich has been stuffed in there—that is the ultimate bummer.”

Kangal Fish: Used in exotic pedicures to nibble away the dead skin on your feet and hands, the KF-style smooch is also quite cleansing. “I had a woman do this odd thing where she ran the tip of her tongue along the face of my teeth, as if she was trying to clean them,” shares David, obviously on a roll. Sarah has also experienced this, and was neither amused nor aroused. “It reminded me of those cheesy Pearl Drops toothpaste commercials from the ’70s.”

Bacon Grease and Love Complications

This is a Natalie emotional update! YAY :p

Love Complications

There are a few things that I'm worried about currently. I like to write them down because it keeps me aware of them so I won't become complacent.

I'm tempted by idiots with a pretty face! If they are only slightly idiotic then I'm worried I'll fall for them because they are hot or just tall. Tall guys are hot. I used to think guys with large *cough* vocabularies did it for me. It does to an extent but at the same time I get a little intimidated. I don't know why, I'm awesome! It's just that stupid self esteem that gets in the way. It's hard to put yourself out there to be judged by members of the opposite sex over and over and over again. Go take a hike if you don't like what you see! On a side note, what is up with guys gathering a fan club of girls that think they are hot when in reality they are probably chatting it up with one hot chick that they are REALLY interested in. Rude!

I'm STILL worried about being able to differentiate between the types of love. I think with experience, painful heart-wrenching I want to cry for days experience, I'll be able to figure it out. I do know that it won't kill me and I'll make it through as a stronger and better adapted person. So BRING ON THE PAIN!

Speaking of pain, I'm also worried that I'm going to settle for a person just so that I don't have to live with my mother anymore! I have to keep reminding myself that it's better than living out on the street in a cardboard box. I get tempted to be with someone because it's wonderful to be an object of affection. It's cool to be liked for yourself and to have someone totally interested in anything you have to say!

When do I know if a relationship is going to work out or not? Am I leading that person on by trying to see if time will help me with the answer? Am I wasting time or doing a disservice to myself by waiting to see if a friendship/relationship will grow into love? Is that the kind of love I want romantically or should I look for hot lust-filled can't keep our hands off each other type of love? Is that love? Is lust a necessary part of love or is it just superficial because time will turn all our attractive qualities sour?

What if I was in a relationship and had doubts? How long do I stay with that person? Do I stay until I'm shackled down by shared responsibilities like kids and debt? Is staying easier than leaving? I worry that it will be a case of cooking bacon naked. Sure it's easier to hop out of bed and just start cooking your bacon without getting dressed but it's going to get painful in extremely sensitive areas. That would be the same thing as staying with someone you didn't love. Sure it's easier not to break up with them and cause the instant hurt and hard ache but over time you'll get burned little bits at a time until your so scarred you don't recognize yourself anymore. That's a lot of bacon!

New and Improved about me!

I was signing up for a website that wanted to know about me. Every time I come across stuff like that, I just copy and paste what I had put on my myspace page. Well I decided it needed to be updated so this is the new and improved about me!

Important facts about me:
1. I have 2 beautiful children.
2. I love to have witty and intellectually stimulating conversations involving big words so that I can feel smarter than I am in reality.
3. There aren't a lot of subjects that I can actually talk about that would be intellectually stimulating. Think of me as a blank slate though! I can form opinions on the fly that may alienate you or have you laughing so hard you pee in your computer chair.
4. I try not to be trendy. If something I like is Trendy, then it's even more cool than anyone previously thought!
5. I can joke about a lot of things. I try not to let my hilarity get too naughty but sometimes sex is just too funny.
6. I like purple. Yeah it's important enough that it goes on this list!
7. I'm honest. I'm not mean about it but I will never try to lead anyone on or portray myself as something I'm not. On that note, I'm 5'1" and 200 lbs. :p
8. I don't judge people, that's for someone else to decide. I can usually find something that is worthy of love in anyone I meet. I tend to get along with most people.

Facts about me that aren't as important
1. I'm addicted to Q-tips. I love the feel of cleaning out my ears ok. I have to pretend I'm out of Q-tips so that I don't use them too much and then cause some type of weird inner ear injury that results in dizziness and vomiting.
2. My favorite non-alcoholic beverage is Diet Dr. Pepper. My favorite alcoholic ones are Swamp Moss from Joe's crab shack and vodka sours.
3. I'll try almost anything once. I did try a few things twice just to make sure I absolutely didn't like it the first time.
4. I like fingernail polish, crazy socks, and fun flavored chapstick/lip glosses.
5. I don't make it a habit of constantly wearing makeup. I'm a t-shirts and jeans kind of girl when I want to relax.
6. I'm a twin. We don't have weird telepathy mind powers for communication either.
7. I like to type Effin sweet and Geeze a lot. I also enjoy using a lot of exclamation marks when I type.
8. I love proper grammar, punctuation, and spelling when I'm talking to someone. It's not totally important to me but it is an attractive quality.

Music Tastes:
I don't make it a habit of licking my CDs, so I'm not sure how they taste. I love listening to songs that are fun to sing with.

Ella Fitzgerald has a voice that sounds like melted chocolate. Her range is fun and I love the animation in her voice. She can scat and when she imitates Louis Armstrong it cracks me up. My favorite CD is the Gershwin one. I love singing with her and I hope to meet her when I die. I'd never dare sing for her though. She is so out of my league!

Bernadette Peters is sexy and passionate. I love the Broadway music she sings.

I listen to a lot of Christian Alternative. Mostly because the station doesn't have commercials.
Newsboys have a great upbeat sound and their singer's voice is unique and fun.
I'd keep listing more bands that fall in this category but I like too many of them.

Evanescence (older stuff and Lacrymosa)
Nightwish (I haven't listened to a ton but I like the sound of them)
Simon and Garfunkle
Wilson Phillips
Jason Mraz I'm yours
Weezer Undone
Jimmy Eat World In the Middle
Most of the music from the play Jekyll and Hyde
Chasen Crazy Beautiful (it's one of my theme songs)
Plumb In my arms (reminds me of my daughter so much that I cry)
There are others as well, I'm just tired of typing now. If you made it this far, you are a keeper!

Future boyfriend Requirements top 10 list

Lately I've been thinking a lot about what kinds of qualities I want the next guy to have. At first I didn't think I was that picky until I started listing them. I'm going to do so now and hopefully I don't create an unrealistic ideal.

1. His name can not be Jon. My brother's name is Jon. My ex's name is Jon. It would just be WAY too confusing if I was trying to talk about him to anyone else. I already get, wait, which Jon are you talking about? That would just make it worse.

2. I want the nice guy. I hear guys complain that you have to be an asshole to get the girl. I hear girls complain that soandso is just too nice. That's what I want!! We should all want to be treated well.

3. I've heard the phrase a few times, "I feel like I can never be good enough for you." My expectations weren't unrealistic but it still made me feel bad. Well DANG IT! I am not lowering my standards! If a guy feels that way, then maybe he isn't good enough for me!

4. As an extension of the last point. I want them to try as hard and do as much as I do and try for them. I don't want a one sided relationship. I don't want to feel like I have to bail water twice as much just to stay afloat.

5. I want an easy-going/non-judgemental guy. I think I'm easy going if I'm treated right. I'd like the same consideration. I need alone time now. I need to be able to go off and think when I'm angry. If I'm calm then I can organize my thoughts and reason through arguments better. I need someone that would allow me to do that. My extended family make-up requires a non-judgemental individual. I dislike close-minded people that won't even stop and consider a point of view that differs from their own.


6. I prefer dark hair in an individual. That's what I'm usually attracted to. There are a few exceptions to that but for some reason that is what I gravitate towards.

7. Honesty is a BIG deal. It almost makes me physically ill to lie. If I think I've skirted anywhere close to that, I have to come clean right away. I hate lies and I really can no longer tolerate it. I've done that enough in my life.

8. I want to be able to converse with him. I want the kind of communication where you can tell him anything, even embarrassing stuff, and it's ok. I want our interaction to be lively even if there is no ready conversation topics at hand.

9. I want his typing to be easy to read. Misspellings and lazy typing; you = u and your = ur and before = b4. That drives me nuts.

10. Humor is great. It keeps us young. I love most types of humor. The next guy needs to be smart enough to understand my humor without needing every word and phrase explained.

Natalie epiphany.

Honesty. Have I always been this honest with myself and everyone around me? I don't think I have! Then I got to thinking about it. Why haven't I? It's so gosh darn important to me now, why wasn't it always. I never outright lied but I wasn't always as open and blunt as I am now. On the surface the answer is obvious. Being married to a pathalogical liar, of course, pits me against lying. I talked with a friend today and he said that confidence goes with honesty. I dismissed it right off. It seemed like two completely unrelated things. It stuck with me though and I started thinking about it more and more. They do go together. If I value myself, then I don't have anything to hide. I don't have to lie to make myself look or seem better. I love who I am and I am proud to let the world see it too. I haven't always felt that way and I haven't always been completely honest with myself about my flaws. As I've started becoming more and more comfortable with who I am, I've either changed the things I don't like about myself or I've accepted them and seen the good in it. Everyone is different and no one is perfect. If you are a liar, look at the reasons why you feel the need to lie. and then change them or be at peace with who you are and stop trying to hide it.